Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
