Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
