Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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