last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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