I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
