Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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