toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I am morally bankrupt
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize