I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
