The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
