Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize