so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
