my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
