i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
