Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
