: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
