My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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