I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
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