WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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