I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
