You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
