@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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