I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
