i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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