Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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