It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
