In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
