you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
