My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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