yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
two words: eviction party
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
