My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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