Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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