My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
