So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
