Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
