Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
