I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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