You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
