Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
