You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
