Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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