Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
