Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
