I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just googled if crying burns calories
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize