I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
