sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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