I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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