I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
