She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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