My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
