Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
