I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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