I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
