just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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