Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
