these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
