it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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