Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
