my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
