Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
